Home
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Last edited by Bachelorette on Thu Aug 20, 2009 3:35 pm; edited 1 time in total
+10
scizz
Gazza
shano
vegas
Renae
boss
fish4fun
Szarn
nathan
Breamingfloosie
14 posters
Funny Jokes!
Breamingfloosie- Posts : 3509
Join date : 2009-08-02
Age : 51
Location : Perth WA
Last edited by Bachelorette on Thu Aug 20, 2009 3:35 pm; edited 1 time in total
Breamingfloosie- Posts : 3509
Join date : 2009-08-02
Age : 51
Location : Perth WA
A husband and wife decided they neede to use"code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided to refer to sex as the act of typing on a typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mother responded "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter".
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
:arrow:
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mother responded "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter".
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
:arrow:
nathan- Posts : 137
Join date : 2009-08-03
policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
''I can't do that, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''
''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''
''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''
''Fine then, just walk this white line.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm drunk.''
''I can't do that, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''
''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''
''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''
''Fine then, just walk this white line.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm drunk.''
nathan- Posts : 137
Join date : 2009-08-03
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.
'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 enemy troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last one with her bare hands.'
'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?'
'Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.'
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.
'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 enemy troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last one with her bare hands.'
'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?'
'Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.'
nathan- Posts : 137
Join date : 2009-08-03
A pair of whales, a male and his mate were swimming along one day when they came upon a whaling vessel.
M: ''Oh shit!''
F: ''What is it?''
M: ''That's the ship that killed my father when I was a young whale and took him away!''
F: ''Oh that is fu#@ed up!''
M: ''Hey listen, I got an idea. Let's surface, suck in all the air that we can and dive down under the boat. Then we'll blow it all out at once and tip it over!''
F: ''OK let's.''
So they both surfaced, sucked in all the air that they could hold, dived down underneath the boat and blew it all out as hard as they could.
Sure enough the boat capsized and all the sailors ended up in the water.
So the two were swimming away and looking back at the men frantically splashing around in the water.
M: ''Haha, that was pretty kool!''
F: ''Yeah, that was kool.''
M: "Hey I got another idea! Let's go back there and eat those motherfu@#ers!''
F: ''OK look, I agreed to the blowjob, but I'm not swallowing the seamen!''
M: ''Oh shit!''
F: ''What is it?''
M: ''That's the ship that killed my father when I was a young whale and took him away!''
F: ''Oh that is fu#@ed up!''
M: ''Hey listen, I got an idea. Let's surface, suck in all the air that we can and dive down under the boat. Then we'll blow it all out at once and tip it over!''
F: ''OK let's.''
So they both surfaced, sucked in all the air that they could hold, dived down underneath the boat and blew it all out as hard as they could.
Sure enough the boat capsized and all the sailors ended up in the water.
So the two were swimming away and looking back at the men frantically splashing around in the water.
M: ''Haha, that was pretty kool!''
F: ''Yeah, that was kool.''
M: "Hey I got another idea! Let's go back there and eat those motherfu@#ers!''
F: ''OK look, I agreed to the blowjob, but I'm not swallowing the seamen!''
Szarn- Posts : 20030
Join date : 2009-08-01
smiths chips are now producing a new chip in "semen" flavour that will be marketed as a "diet chip" as its estimated that 98% of women wont swallow them
Breamingfloosie- Posts : 3509
Join date : 2009-08-02
Age : 51
Location : Perth WA
One morning the husband returns from several hours of fishing and desides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Fishing Inspector in his boat. He pulls up alonside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am, What are you doing?"
"Reading a book", she replies, "Isn't it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.
"I'm sorry Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading".
"Yes, but you have all the equipment, for all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up".
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assualt" says the woman.
"But I havent even touched you" says the Fishing Inspector.
"Thats true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment".
"Have a nice day Ma'am" and he left.
Along comes a Fishing Inspector in his boat. He pulls up alonside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am, What are you doing?"
"Reading a book", she replies, "Isn't it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.
"I'm sorry Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading".
"Yes, but you have all the equipment, for all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up".
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assualt" says the woman.
"But I havent even touched you" says the Fishing Inspector.
"Thats true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment".
"Have a nice day Ma'am" and he left.
Breamingfloosie- Posts : 3509
Join date : 2009-08-02
Age : 51
Location : Perth WA
Two morons rent a boat and go fishing.
They catch alot of fish and return to the shore.
1st Moron "I hope you remember the spot where we caught all these fish"
2nd Moron "Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot".
1st Moron "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?" :D
They catch alot of fish and return to the shore.
1st Moron "I hope you remember the spot where we caught all these fish"
2nd Moron "Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot".
1st Moron "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?" :D
Breamingfloosie- Posts : 3509
Join date : 2009-08-02
Age : 51
Location : Perth WA
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place. 1st guy "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend". 2nd guy, "thats nothing, I had to promise my wife tht I will build her a new deck for the pool\". 3rd guy, "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realise that the 4th guy has not said a word. So they ask him. You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. "What's the deal?" 4th guy "I just set my alarm for 5.30am. When it went off, I shutt off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex?" and she said, "Wear a Sweater".
Last edited by Bachelorette on Fri Aug 07, 2009 8:24 pm; edited 5 times in total
Szarn- Posts : 20030
Join date : 2009-08-01
Two breamers rent a boat and go fishing.
They catch alot of fish and return to the shore.
jezza "I hope you remember the spot where we caught all these fish"
wade "Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot".
jezza "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?" :D
They catch alot of fish and return to the shore.
jezza "I hope you remember the spot where we caught all these fish"
wade "Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot".
jezza "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?" :D
Breamingfloosie- Posts : 3509
Join date : 2009-08-02
Age : 51
Location : Perth WA
Wife after returning from a fishing trip with husband says to neighbour "I did everything all wrong again today - I talked too much and too loud. I used the wrong lures. I reeled in too soon and I caught more than he did". :queen: :)
Breamingfloosie- Posts : 3509
Join date : 2009-08-02
Age : 51
Location : Perth WA
2 Blondes go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment- the reels, the rods, the wading boots, the rowboat, the car and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!
The 1st day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the 2nd day, and on the 3rd day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the gals catches a fish. As they are driving home they're really depressed.
One blonde turns to the other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us $1500 bucks?"
The other blonde says, "Wow!, Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!" :oops: :D
The 1st day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the 2nd day, and on the 3rd day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the gals catches a fish. As they are driving home they're really depressed.
One blonde turns to the other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us $1500 bucks?"
The other blonde says, "Wow!, Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!" :oops: :D
Breamingfloosie- Posts : 3509
Join date : 2009-08-02
Age : 51
Location : Perth WA
1. Your fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just fished last week! Is fishing all you ever think about?"
2. Nobody expects you to give up fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
3. Nobody expects you to fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
4. You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighbourhood to buy fishing stuff.
5. Nobody will tell you will go blind if you fish by yourself.
6. If your regular fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you fish with someone else.
7. When you see a really good fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the 2 of you fishing together.
8. It's perfectly respectable to fish with a total stranger.
9. If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you fishing, you dont have to worry about your children finding them.
10.It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to fish with you once in a while.
11.You don't have to hide your fishng magazines.
12.No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still fish.
13.A limp rod is still useful while fishing.
2. Nobody expects you to give up fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
3. Nobody expects you to fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
4. You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighbourhood to buy fishing stuff.
5. Nobody will tell you will go blind if you fish by yourself.
6. If your regular fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you fish with someone else.
7. When you see a really good fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the 2 of you fishing together.
8. It's perfectly respectable to fish with a total stranger.
9. If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you fishing, you dont have to worry about your children finding them.
10.It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to fish with you once in a while.
11.You don't have to hide your fishng magazines.
12.No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still fish.
13.A limp rod is still useful while fishing.
Breamingfloosie- Posts : 3509
Join date : 2009-08-02
Age : 51
Location : Perth WA
Q. What do fishermen/fisherwomen and hypochondriacs have in common?
A. They don't really have to catch anything to be happy. :D
A. They don't really have to catch anything to be happy. :D
Breamingfloosie- Posts : 3509
Join date : 2009-08-02
Age : 51
Location : Perth WA
2 blokes are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting accross the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap & bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod & reel and continues fishing. The other guy says "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The 1st guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do-after all, I was married to her for 40 years. :D :D :D
The 1st guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do-after all, I was married to her for 40 years. :D :D :D
Breamingfloosie- Posts : 3509
Join date : 2009-08-02
Age : 51
Location : Perth WA
One summer day, a man came home early from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in very sexy lingerie & heels. 
"Tie me up", She purred,
"And you can do anything you want". :king:
So he tied her up & went fishing.
"Tie me up", She purred,
"And you can do anything you want". :king:
So he tied her up & went fishing.
Breamingfloosie- Posts : 3509
Join date : 2009-08-02
Age : 51
Location : Perth WA
Deep in the back woods of Missisippi USA, on the north side of the river, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a landtern and said " Here, You hold this high so I can see what I am doing", soon a baby boy was brought into the world.
Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby, another boy.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it semes there's yet another one coming" cried the doctor.
The Hillbilly father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby, another boy.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it semes there's yet another one coming" cried the doctor.
The Hillbilly father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
Breamingfloosie- Posts : 3509
Join date : 2009-08-02
Age : 51
Location : Perth WA
Some people are sitting in a bar when 1 guy says, "My name is Larry & I am a SNAG".
Another guy says, "What's that?"
The 1st guys says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy".
Another one says, "My name is Gary, And I am a DINK".
A girl asks, "Whats's that?"
He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."
A lady says, "That's nice, my name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."
Larry says. "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?"
She says, "That means, "Wash, Iron, F%$*K, Etc."
Another guy says, "What's that?"
The 1st guys says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy".
Another one says, "My name is Gary, And I am a DINK".
A girl asks, "Whats's that?"
He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."
A lady says, "That's nice, my name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."
Larry says. "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?"
She says, "That means, "Wash, Iron, F%$*K, Etc."
Breamingfloosie- Posts : 3509
Join date : 2009-08-02
Age : 51
Location : Perth WA
A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table, and when the comely waitress asks for his order, says, "I want a quickie"
She slaps his face and says, "Now would you pleaes give your order?"
Again, he says, "I want a quickie".
She slaps him again and says, "I'll give you one last chance - What do you want?"
Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man, "I think it's pronounced quiche." :)
She slaps his face and says, "Now would you pleaes give your order?"
Again, he says, "I want a quickie".
She slaps him again and says, "I'll give you one last chance - What do you want?"
Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man, "I think it's pronounced quiche." :)
Breamingfloosie- Posts : 3509
Join date : 2009-08-02
Age : 51
Location : Perth WA
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't." "Well", he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried", he thought. But 5 minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. "I was just invisioning how condoms are made!"
She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried", he thought. But 5 minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. "I was just invisioning how condoms are made!"
Breamingfloosie- Posts : 3509
Join date : 2009-08-02
Age : 51
Location : Perth WA
You know you are a fisherman/woman when.....
1. You have a powerbait or gulp worm dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener.
2. Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your Bream boat.
3. Your local tackle shop has yoour credit card number on file.
4. You name your dog, "Mercury" and your cat, "Evinrude"
5. You have your name printed on a parking space at the launch ramp
6. You have a photo of your 3lb Bream on your desk at work instead of your family.
7. You think there are 3 seasons instead of 4; Pre-spawn, Spawn, & Post Spawn.
8. You trade your spouse's van for a smaller vehicle so your Bream boat will fit in the garage
9. You call your boat "sweetheart" & your spouse "skeeter"
10 Your kids know it's Saturday - Because the boats gone.
:bball:
1. You have a powerbait or gulp worm dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener.
2. Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your Bream boat.
3. Your local tackle shop has yoour credit card number on file.
4. You name your dog, "Mercury" and your cat, "Evinrude"
5. You have your name printed on a parking space at the launch ramp
6. You have a photo of your 3lb Bream on your desk at work instead of your family.
7. You think there are 3 seasons instead of 4; Pre-spawn, Spawn, & Post Spawn.
8. You trade your spouse's van for a smaller vehicle so your Bream boat will fit in the garage
9. You call your boat "sweetheart" & your spouse "skeeter"
10 Your kids know it's Saturday - Because the boats gone.
:bball:
Breamingfloosie- Posts : 3509
Join date : 2009-08-02
Age : 51
Location : Perth WA
On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm praying for guidance", answered the young man.
"I'll take care of that", she replied. "You pray for endurance".
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm praying for guidance", answered the young man.
"I'll take care of that", she replied. "You pray for endurance".
Breamingfloosie- Posts : 3509
Join date : 2009-08-02
Age : 51
Location : Perth WA
The young strong man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is", he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back".
"You're on, old man", the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got".
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "Allright. Get in"'.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is", he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back".
"You're on, old man", the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got".
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "Allright. Get in"'.
Breamingfloosie- Posts : 3509
Join date : 2009-08-02
Age : 51
Location : Perth WA
Two women get together at morning tea to discuss their husband's.
Woman no.1 says to the other, "I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him", "Wow, that's a big one!".
Woman no.2 says to the other, "My husband's got the same problem".
Woman no.1 says to the other, "I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him", "Wow, that's a big one!".
Woman no.2 says to the other, "My husband's got the same problem".
Breamingfloosie- Posts : 3509
Join date : 2009-08-02
Age : 51
Location : Perth WA
Q:What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
A: Damn!
Q: Why are fish so smart?
A: Because they swim in schools!
Q: Where do fish keep their money?
A: In the river bank.
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
A: Damn!
Q: Why are fish so smart?
A: Because they swim in schools!
Q: Where do fish keep their money?
A: In the river bank.
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
Similar topics
|
|
|